


Professor Hulk is Wrong

by lionessvalenti



Category: Cracked: After Hours
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-14 00:14:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20183050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionessvalenti/pseuds/lionessvalenti
Summary: Soren's life is a continual diner night now that he's dating Dan. It could be worse.





	Professor Hulk is Wrong

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thinlizzy2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinlizzy2/gifts).

"They're presenting us with rules and then break all of them instantly," Dan said, picking up the top note card. "They tell us it's a closed loop, that you can't change the past because the past is now your future, but the future is always going to be your past. Even when they mention alternate timelines, it gets dismissed, followed by, what, Loki starting up an alternate timeline!"

"I know," Soren replied. He took a long sip of his milkshake. "We talked about it the first two times we saw the movie. I thought we've already determined that there's no right way to do time travel."

Dan flipped idly through a few note cards. "Sure, because there isn't real time travel -- yet -- so we don't know how it works. What I'm saying is, if a movie sets out rules, they can't just ditch the rules and never have Professor Hulk say he was wrong. You can put all the infinity stones back, but that doesn't change the fact that there's a 2014 where Thanos stops existing and his daughters disappear. You can't say that's a closed loop that's solved by putting the power stone back where you found it in a timeline where the Guardians of the Galaxy probably never even form."

Soren turned his head to look at Daniel. It was only the two of them, but they still sat on the same side of the table. Anything else just felt wrong. 

"Look, I'm happy that you have a whole movie of new material to dissect, but we went over this the first two times we saw it. I knew going back for a third time was a bad idea."

"Third time?" Dan repeated. "I saw it four other times without you to fully put together my thesis on how time travel actually works in the Marvel Cinematic Universe."

"And?"

"I may need to go back for an eighth viewing."

"You're going to personally ensure that _Avengers: Endgame_ beats out _Avatar_ as the highest grossing movie of all time," Soren said, clapping a hand on Dan's shoulder. "I'm proud of you."

Dan beamed. "Thank you."

Soren knew that dating Dan wasn't going to be like dating other people. For so long, Soren kept his pop culture diner life separate from the rest of his real life. Now, even though they weren't doing diner nights as often, Soren saw Daniel more. Diner nights _were_ his life now. Except with more sex.

Maybe. Was he having less sex with a steady boyfriend? Especially since that boyfriend was Dan? It was so easy to get distracted in the conversation that sometimes they just went to bed. At least at the diner (they were currently at _a_ diner, but not the specific diner where they met up with Katie and Michael; it turned out other diners did exist), they had a chance to drive somewhere else and then make up their minds about sex or sleep.

Dan now had the note cards spread out across the table in a distinct timeline. There wasn't going to be room for their food when it arrived.

"We're not having sex tonight, are we?" Soren muttered, but he still managed to catch Dan's attention from the meticulous card arranging.

"What? Of course we are. This is--" Dan pointed a finger at Soren and then wagged it back and forth between them. "This is the thing. This is our thing. It's what we do."

Soren blinked at him. "You think this is _foreplay_?"

"It's not? What do you think foreplay is?" There was nothing indicating sarcasm in Dan's tone. He was radiating nothing but an earnest confusion.

"It's..." Soren trailed off, considering the conversations they had and the relation to sex that followed. 

There had been a conversation about whether or Game of Thrones and Harry Potter took place in the same universe, and how the different dragons had evolved over the passage of time that had led to a blow job up against the counter in Dan's kitchen. Then, the one about all the Batman movies taking place in the same universe and the Joker being passed on as a title for anyone who kills the last Joker, and that's why each one gets more extreme and less interesting with every new splinter of the franchise that ended with some of the best sex in Soren's life. Maybe because he'd been thinking about Batman.

"Oh my god, this is foreplay," Soren said, the cold realization of his life dawning on him. It's not like he hadn't walked into this, eyes open, knowing exactly what dating Daniel would entail, but not how his own tastes and preferences would be twisted into a constant diner conversation. Though now, they ended with uniquely satisfying orgasms.

"Yeah," Dan said, suddenly chipper. "I thought you knew."

"No, I thought this was a normal relationship. Now I don't know why."

"Me either. I knew it was wrong the second you, with all of that--" Daniel waved his hand in the general direction of Soren's abs. "--thought it would be suitable to go out with me, with, you know, this." He pointed his own face.

Soren scrunched up his nose. "Your face is fine, Dan. Nothing is going to stand up to mine so there's no point in trying."

Dan shrugged in vague agreement and went back to adjusting the placement of note cards.

New possibilities suddenly opened up before Soren. Subjects he knew would excite Dan, weird places to spark up conversations so they could have sex there. It would be so easy, and so very good.

"We have to change the safe word," Soren said.

"Oh, thank god." Dan actually slumped against Soren. "Do you know what it's been doing to me to not talk about Star Wars? It physically hurts, like in my chest. But I was afraid to bring it up because then you might stop doing that thing with your mouth."

Soren blinked. "Which thing?"

Dan's face turned pink and he forced out an awkward laugh. "I'm not going to say it _here_."

"Do you want to go back to my place and you can show me? And then not look at each other afterwards?"

"Yes. That one, that's the answer."

Soren nodded. "Good plan. Now tell me, your thesis accounts for Captain America's end of the movie time travel timeline, right? Because if someone wants to tell me that's a closed loop, I'm going to tell them they clearly never watched _The Winter Soldier_."

"God damn it, that's the sexiest thing you've ever said." Dan picked up a note card that was separate from the main timeline of cards. "And obviously."

This was Soren's life now. And he wouldn't have it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> After the sex was over, Soren and Dan had determined that the Joker theory didn't work when you took The Dark Knight into consideration. At least in terms of the Jokers being less interesting with each subsequent franchise change. The Joker's plans in The Dark Knight are overly complicated and rely on a bunch of things working out in just the right way, but he's certainly not uninteresting.


End file.
